Dear Auburn School Board,
I'm too afraid to talk to my children about drugs. Can't y'all just have my kids go to school, take their pants down, and pee in a cup or something?
Go ahead and ground them for me too, because the government always knows what's best for my babies.
Oh, don't be worried about privacy. If my children have nothing to hide, then they should have no problems letting authority figures have access to their private parts. I know it's confusing because of all that Stranger Danger stuff we used to tell them, but hey -- times they are a-changing.
Some others in our community think that drug testing won't work. They say "studies show...", but we all know that's hogwash. This is a proud University town. We stick by what feels right, not what research says.
Extra-curricular programs are a privilege. Everyone knows they help keep kids off the streets, so let's make it as hard as possible for troubled kids to join in. Obviously you'll want to randomly not test the star football players, but I'm sure you've got that part figured out.
Thank you for saving our children from the scourge of marijuana and adderall plaguing our schools. With this hard stance on testing, hopefully we can keep the death toll in check. There are safer alternatives like synthetic weed and bath salts which don't show up on tests anyway.
If we catch even one child, it would be well worth those Fourth Amendment violations and the well-beings of all those other kids who need love and support.
Thank you for having our children's best interest at heart. You'd have my vote at the next election, if Auburn School Board was something we could vote on.
Thoughtless in Auburn.